Tesbun

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Photo from dreamstime.com

Mahal kumusta ka na?!

Ansakit naman ng biro ng tadhana

Na makitang buntis ka na

Ngunit para sayo ako ay masaya

Pero mas masaya sana

Kung ako ang naging ama

Subalit ngayon ay iinumin ko’ng aking mga luha

Kung sana noo’y di ako naunahan ng kaba

Nung ika’y malaya pa

Malamang tayo ang itinadhana

Pero ngayon ay huli na

At wala na’kong magagawa pa

Kundi ibulong sa sarili ko ang “mahal kita”

At tanungin ka ng “kumusta?”

FUCK THE SOULMATE MENTALITY!

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Photo from ebay.co.uk

Love is like a heart-shaped jigsaw puzzle made up of two pieces. And due to the novelty of our experiences, each puzzle piece have intricate, unique patterns that can fit perfectly to only one piece.

But what people fail to realize is that  it’s not just a trial and error fitting spree. It involves the painful process of refining the edges, cutting an edge to accommodate the other piece, and extending some parts to fill the gaps of the other.

The interesting thing is, this gap that we’re trying to fill in order to piece together this puzzle, is dynamic. Such that, the patterns change in our lifetime and thus the process of cutting, welding, and grinding are perennial processes necessary to keep the love puzzle in perfect fit.

Moral of the story? FUCK THE SOULMATE MENTALITY!

Blinded – Third Eye Blind

Feeling a bit nostalgic here guys so let me share one of my favorites.

I wish I have the same song writing prowess like that bastard Stephan Jenkins (no offense man, this song struck familiar chords within me. Great song, melody and all just fuckin’ perfect!)

Throw in the fast paced alternative music, lyrics written with the heart and angst, and it would guarantee to destroy your day (borrowing the words of an awesome awesome blogger friend Lenny).

So what else can I say? Nothing much really. So for those who made it too complicated for them and their love ones, and for those wishing for a second chance that’s very unlikely to be granted, this is guaranteed to make you kill yourself wishing for yesterday.

You’re welcome 🙂

Blinded (lyrics taken from metrolyrics.com)

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That’s what I’ve become
I let myself in though I know I’m not supposed to but
I never know when I’m done

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other

Cause when I see you, it’s like I’m staring down the sun
And I’m blinded
There’s nothing left to do
Still I see you

I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You’re passed where you understand

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she’s a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And the heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say
Oh something clean let me be clever
Hey oh well whatever
But that’s not what I mean
When where we’ve been has left us burned
Still I won’t turn now from a fight you know I’ll never win

So when I see you, you know all the things I’ve done
Well I’m blinded
Like I’m staring down the sun
When I see you
It’s like I’m staring down the sun

Time passes and it tells us what we’re left with
We become the things we do
Me I’m a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn’t give up on you

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it’s not easy being me
But I can’t promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I’ve just fallen back to earth
Still you know I’ll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we have stolen manners
In the days we were one

So when I see you, despite all that we’ve become
I’m still blinded
But I’m staring down the sun
When I see you
I’m blinded

Barado

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taken from consumerist.com

Mga sasakyang bumabara sa kalsada: traffic.

Ugat na daluyan ng dugong nabarahan sa dibdib: heart attack.

Bumarang mga salita sa aking lalamunan nang makahanap ako ng magandang pagkakataon na kausapin ka: “maal ia”

Mga nautal kong salita na bumara sa tenga mo sabay tawa mo ng malakas: “alam mo nakakatawa ka talaga, para kang yung boyfriend ko”

Buti nalang bumara ang mga luha ko at di tumulo, kunwaring ngumiti ako at napabulong nalang ng : “uang iya, ang ait!

Baradong pagtatapat ng saloobin sayo at basketball na sinalubong ng mga bukas na palad: SUPALPAL!!!

In Denial

And when you do hear that I’m still in love with you, it’s not me. It’s the tequila, the Red Horse Beer, any spirit or anything under the sun for that matter. But whoever or whatever it is, it’s not me.

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From fanpop.com

Who me? Still in love with you?! Oh come on honey you know better than that! I loved you back then but that was before. It was over the moment you told me that we’re done.

And no, I’m not missing you.

You were a princess with a smiling face and a katana on hand who carved a big ugly scar in my heart. You left it dilapidated but that’s ok, I can live with that.

Please don’t assume you’re seeing tears. If you see my bloodshot eyes, it’s because I haven’t had enough sleep last night because I watched hell lot of movies that I missed when we’re together. Or, I’ve been out with the guys on a party I chose to turn down because I chose you. No I’m not blaming you for that decision I made. It’s me and I made that choice.

And don’t ever expect to see tears in my eyes if it’s raining hard ok? You’ll more likely see cats and dogs, even in the drizzle. But tears? No way sir.

And when you do hear that I’m still in love with you, it’s not me. It’s the tequila, the Red Horse Beer, any spirit or anything under the sun for that matter. But whoever or whatever it is, it’s not me.

By the way, this song’s for you so that you’ll know. I hope it’s now clear baby. No I’m not the one who said I love you just now. It’s that damn spirit ok?!

Of Broken-Hearted Men, Songs for the Broken Heart and Good Old Liquor II

You’re there, I’m here

I thought we’re in this together

But it turned out that the “us” that I knew

Is that there’s no you. There’s just me.

Why didn’t you take me with you?

Why is there a need for you to be there and me in here?

Whatever the reason, you’re not meant to be my girl. I’m not the one destined to put a ring on your finger and you’re not the one to bear my children.

Well, time heals all things as they say. Someday when I’m finally over you, I’m going to remember you with a smile on my face wishing and praying for your happiness.

But today, I don’t want to be sober just yet.

And while you’re still here (points to chest), I’m going to drink and miss you.

Then I’m going to drink some more and miss you more and more. You finally got the pattern, right?

Harnessing Envy To Your Advantage

Will I succeed in all of them? Maybe. Maybe not. What matters is I’m enjoying the growls, the shitty manuscripts and the sound of my voice. And just as I said, I don’t just want to be a follower of the awesome, I want to be awesome too.

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“Don’t make me envy. You do not like me when I’m envy.” Yeah, and you messed with the grammar as well, Hulk!

What are the things that turn you green with envy?

For me, it’s being able to growl, to write a novel of Tom Clancy’s calibre, and a rock music album. But these are not the only things that I envy. The long list goes on and each of them screams in my face and tells me that if I have none of these, I should be miserable.

I don’t want to be just a follower of the awesome. I want to be awesome too. But I found out that accompanying my dream to be awesome with envy will make it a toxic mix which is emotionally draining and mentally exhausting guaranteed to zap your energy.

But lately I’ve been thinking: instead of being enslaved to envy, why not use that envy to my advantage? Yes, we can harness that negative energy by converting it to something affirmative and productive.

Here’s how:

First Step of 3: Never Resent People for What They Have that You Don’t

Before we can harness envy, first is we need to rip off that resentment towards the person who has in his hands what we’ve been drooling over for quite some time. That someone may have earned it (like a promotion). Perhaps he worked hard for years and he took upon himself the rigid discipline required to do the dirty work and grab his dreams by the balls when it came. Bottom line is, that person probably deserves it.

And next, get rid of that “I’m a victim” mentality. If you are reading this right now, you might as well have some glimpse of the reality that whatever you are aspiring, you’ve got to wake up on your daydreaming and do the hard work required. Enough blaming your parents or circumstances or whatnot. Thing is, if you want it, you can get it. But you’ll have to work hard for it.

Second Step of 3: The Concept of Play and Trial and Error

That feeling of you being miserable just because you don’t have that thing that the other fellow does, has to go to the garbage bin and cultivate instead a childlike attitude such as this:

“What he’s doing is amazing! I can’t do that as efficiently as how he does it yet, but I want to be able to do it effortlessly. I want that skill in my arsenal. What is there to lose if I try?”

As a child, we saw things in the perspective of play. This doesn’t work? Try again. Nothing happened? Improvise. Still a no? Try something else. No frustrations, no rage, just pure fun of discovery. Not everything we lay our hands on is guaranteed to prosper. What will work? Let’s keep discovering but let’s not keep out the fun.

Second Step of 3: Do it and Have Fun Discovering

Instead of seething, sulking and letting envy get the best of us, why not use the energy to actually try and do what we want to do and see if it prospers or whether we really want it at all?

After all, it’s not a necessity (be honest). It’s just your hurt and bloated ego telling you you’re not enough because you don’t have it. Cavemen never thought of upgrading the iSpear5 to iSpear6 while running from a sabre-toothed feline. They can and they did live without it.

So you want it badly? Work hard for it.

So how do I actually use this envy to work for me? Let me share something more personal on what I’m up to lately.

I envy the growling prowess of Jamir Garcia of a local metal band Slapshock. I am a frustrated-and-still-hoping-to-be heavy metal frontman who wish he can growl. And so I graduated from just a listener to wanting to learn to growl. And because I envy Jamir Garcia so much, I started downloading videos on how to growl. Well, turns out I do love growling. When I’m on my way home at night and there’s no one around earshot, I’d growwwwwwlllll! It’s a lot of fun I tell you. I’m nowhere near Jamir’s skills but I’m working on it. My vocal chords are very very much at home with the bestial growl.

I envy Tom Clancy’s skills in writing my favorite genre. Whenever I finish one of his books, I would get my pen and paper and try desperately to write a novel with the plot as grand as his’ (of course it’s a long shot which always end up short.) After getting tired of envying him, I tried to write my own version entitled Ang Huling Bukang Liwayway which is a story about a local sniper fighting in the fronts to ward off ISIS from overrunning the whole country. Yup, it got 1 like so far which I fully believe she didn’t read XD Despite that, I discovered things I should be working on if I really wanted to pursue writing a novel like having a more convincing plot, and reading some more, among others.

And since I envy international rockstars, I wanted my voice heard and my songs played all over the world. And due to persistent public demand (public meant me and a blogger friend Aysabaw) I decided to record my songs. I managed to record and release a few (contact your local music store. Just kidding.) and I’m finally getting used to the sound of my Eddie Vedder voice. Ok, I also envy Vedder’s raspy baritone and as such my first ever recording is The Last Kiss by Pearl Jam. How I wish I could record it in a formal recording studio. That sounds impossible but who knows?

Will I succeed in all of them? Maybe. Maybe not. What matters is I’m enjoying the growls, the shitty manuscripts and the sound of my voice. And just as I said, I don’t just want to be a follower of the awesome, I want to be awesome too.

So get envy to work for you. How? Let’s wrap this all up:
1. Never resent the awesome dude.
2. Remind yourself that this is an awesome process of discovery, this search for the things you may become awesome at, and finally
3. Go and do that awesome stuff you want to do with passion and focus. If it clicks, then good for you, you’ve expanded your comfort zone. If not, then it’s time to keep playing and discovering.

And remember: Let’s keep discovering but let’s not keep out the fun.

 

Photo from fanpop.com

Salmo Dos Sientos Quatro: Ang Salmo ng Taong Matigas ang Ulo

1Di ko mapagtanto ang kalooban Mo,
Kung kaya ipinagpipilitan ko ang mga nais ko,
2Na sa pakiwari ko saki’y makakabuti,
Dahil ang pagsunod Sayo’y puro lamang hinagpis at dalamhati.

3Alam kong pagsusumikap ko’y walang kapararakan,
Na iayon ang Iyong kalooban sa ‘king mga kagustuhan,
4Pagkat ilang beses mo na sa’king pinatunayan,
Na ika’y Dios na makapangyarihan at ako’y hamak na hinulma lamang sa putikan.

5Subalit ako’y naghahanap parin ng mga kasagutan,
Upang mabuhay ng tahimik na naaayon sa ating kalooban,
6Dahil sa aking paniwalang kabutihan ko at ng mga mahal ko’y ako ang nakakaalam,
Na imbes na iyong baguhin ay hiling kong Iyong basbasan.

7Ngayon ako’y tiklop-tuhod na humihingi Sayo ng kapatawaran,
Sa aking mga naturang mapagmalabis, at kawalang kaalaman
8Iyong kabutihan, pag-ibig, at habag kami’y tangan-tangan,
Na siyang aming panghahawakan sa kinabukasan.

Time Off

“I need to have this time for myself so that I’ll still have something to give my children.”

I never fully understood how important time off is for a full time mother until my wife showed me.

She was longing for a haircut and her hair dyed to somehow hide the evidence of the passing years. She never had the time to visit the parlor though because we don’t have house help. And though I’m more than willing to stay home and tend to the kids while she’s away, she’d be conscience-stricken leaving the kids for a while and she knows also that I’ve already had a lot for the past week that I deserve some rest and so she would just smile and brush off the idea.

But I always see pain in her eyes whenever I see that smile. It stabs my heart inch by inch, the scarcity of words making it more poignant.

Thankfully my mother came over to offer us help. Not a permanent one though but it’d be a temporary sigh of relief especially for my wife. If given the choice however, I’d rather stay at home but she asked me to accompany her and so we both went to the parlor one weekend.

As she was seated in front of the mirror while the pungent-smelling chemicals treat her hair and scalp, I came over to tell her I already miss the kids. Her answer was brief and crisp, sharper than Saint Michael’s double-edged sword shutting me up instantly:

“I need to have this time for myself so that I’ll still have something to give my children.”

Fuck. The onions were too strong.

Of Broken-Hearted Men, Songs for the Broken Heart and Good Old Liquor

Fuck, that’ll hurt big time!

Way back in highschool, I often hear this song about Jimmy and Joni every Sunday. My first reaction when I first heard it was I smirked and told myself ‘that’s one sad dude right there…’

For those who haven’t heard the song or haven’t bothered to read the lyrics, it is a heartbreaking song (go figure). For me, unrequited love is easier to bear like Dante Alighieri’s unrequited affection to Beatrice, than to bear the pain of a would’ve-been/could’ve-been relationship that one will finally realize too late in the end.

Just like Jimmy in the song who might have wished he had said yes earlier (yup he was the one who was asked to say yes) to Joni when she was asking him to wait for her till she grows up. Putting myself in Jimmy’s shoes with all the stated circumstances, I would’ve broken down and got that 1 case of Red Horse beers to drown the pain.

Liquor and tears often come hand-in-hand for a broken hearted man. But for those who take things to the extreme and wish it’d be over much sooner, his love ones should keep away the rope and the handgun and the insecticide.

My heart also goes out to broken-hearted military men. Nothing breaks a soldier’s heart more than finding out that the one reason he’s keeping himself alive is gone just like that. It’s like dying on two fronts – outside in the battlefield and inside, and one is just as potent as the other.

In the song Dear John, a GI fighting on the fronts of the Korean War receives a letter from his girl saying she’s dumping him and that she’d be marrying John’s brother Don. I bet John wished the war won’t be over soon. And maybe when he comes home he’d be aching to break a tooth or two of his brother.

Although some may get reunited and have a happy ending – in a different kind of way. In Whiskey Lullaby, they found out in the end that they still love each other and good news is, they got together again – in the grave. I don’t know. If I was that soldier, I wished I would’ve died in the battlefield and never came home alive. It would’ve been much easier that way.

Expressing grief in losing a girl, in my opinion is best done with a bottle of spirit and a guitar or videoke machine. Especially if it’s raining. No one would recognize the tears from the raindrops. Because what’s left at the end of a broken heart is what is essential- pride. It’s what’ll drive you to find someone more worthy of loving, a lady who’s willing to reciprocate your affection. You can ask the Everly Brothers. I’m sure they’ll agree with me.