Hi Johanne Anderson!
I don’t know how you do it. The way you command the response of my senses whenever you just stand there being yourself; the way you pass me without even batting an eyelid on my way despite of my begging of it with my life. I find it very cruel sometimes; much more sinister than medieval torture because we both know I would never be able to take a hold of you. Yes Johanne, it is killing me softly, inch by inch, bit by bit, hankering for a woman like you.
Yea, there are a lot of shoulds and shouldn’ts. That I should behave as a man of responsibilities, a man of no-nonsense, a technical automaton that I shouldn’t even harbour these feelings for you. It’s very difficult Johanne for a man like me and a woman like you.
The moment is still very vivid to me as I remember you walking in front of me. It’s like a heavenly body mesmerizing its beholder. I was dumbfounded, with my jaw just losing control. Oh how I hardly contained myself not to interrupt you to ask your name and take your hands to my heart so that you’ll feel that you already took absolute control of this man!
Yes Johanne, even today after that moment, whenever it comes back to my mind, it is still crazy and enthralling, religious even. Something inside me long dead, or so I thought, comes back to take its place that was long forgotten. And it’s because of you.
If only I can take us to utopia, I will lock the world and let it roll into oblivion whilst I spend eternity with you just looking into your eyes and you being locked in my arms forever, fearing like the moment’s gonna end.
Oh, only if that day would come!
Until the racking reality butted in.
How will I damn the world to take you, to make you mine alone; never letting any brute of a man like me to touch you? How Johanne? How will I make you resonate my yearning? Shall I settle to dreams? Will you just be a memory I’m dying to bury again and again?
If only I knew the answer to all of these predicaments, I swear, the speed of light would have been humiliated in my haste to consummate my dreams!
If only I’m Bruce Almighty, that I can control crazy circumstances that would make you take notice of me Johanne. Maybe then, out of free will, you will love me too. Had you been my Cleopatra, I would have crowned you with all of my empire’s glory and all things among others that would have made you mine and mine alone.
But alas! What a pity for me that time had not been our ally. If only karma is true that in the afterlife we’re going to be together. By then we’ll both hold hands and allow where our divine destiny will unfold.
But by now I’m totally wrecked, annihilated, in utter ruins borne of a bruised ego.
I guess this is one of life’s most ruthless jokes. You get to know what works for you and what’s not at the price of failure. That’s what you (maybe the situation, maybe both of you) taught me. I was really jealous of the gifts that I don’t have that had been bestowed to other people. I thought that if only I’d give it a try and do my best, I can make it come true. You are that dream Johanne.
And yes, excruciating as it is to utter it, I have failed.
Out of the ruins, I tried to glean whatever I can to capitalize whatever morals came out of it. It was mixed emotions. 25% of which is anger, and frustration… Even if I throw in all word equivalents of these emotions, it will not be enough to coin all the end result of a marred male ego. You could just imagine having felt your dreams at the end of your fingertips and then realizing that that’s as far as you can go, and that’s it!
The other 75%? I felt relieved, unloaded, unburdened, add to it all similar words you can find on the lexicon to describe it. I’m free Johanne. i don’t have to work my ass out to try to woo you into falling into me, to almost abandon everything that matters to me, and to puke out the best wines in the world that had been served to me.
I know, I sound like someone trying to console his own self. Maybe I am. Maybe I already identified all the lessons I have to learn, maybe I’m just rationalizing, and maybe it’s all rational “lies.”
Farewell Johanne. I just hope that if I’d see you wearing that orange skirt, I won’t be pendulum-ing again.